Seriously… 10 hours of sleep, and I only get up because my body can’t sleep any more, despite it’s desires to do so. I’m ok with being mostly unproductive during these weeks, but the wanting to sleep and not being able to is annoying. Of course, so is the complete and total lack of appetite, despite the distinct need (via nausea and fatigue) to do exactly that. So… Summary of the first trimester so far? Distinct internal conflict.

I’ve always been sensitive to smell, and this has just increased that – as expected. Jason finished the steps for the car yesterday (as in finish/waterproof), and the garage REEKS of finish. Like, I can get so far as opening the door before pulling it shut. VILE! I’m happy food hasn’t smelled that bad, but the thought of some textures (mayonnaise, for instance) – BLECH!

And, today I started the search for a provider. Make that, “today I started banging my head against a dumber-than-usual brick wall”. Ok, ok – I’ll grant you that I have high expectations, and I’ll grant you that they may not be reasonable. But it doesn’t seem to me too hard to fathom that I might want to meet a potential provider and determine whether or not I feel comfortable with their philosophic approach to pregnancy and birth – BEFORE becoming their patient.

In a normal world, you want a new doctor, and you don’t generally interview. References from friends and family (maybe the internet) is standard, but you generally do a trial-by-fire type of evaluation, and dump them in favor of a new doctor if you don’t like their service. Well… It’s a little harder when you have about seven months to evaluate them, and less and less chance of being *able* to safely switch providers the longer you evaluate them. Not to mention that this person may (or may not!) play a vital role in one of the most important moments of your life. I want to know the person before I agree to a service agreement (essentially).

But NONE of the OB’s I tried calling, and only some of the CNM’s (certified nurse midwives) attached to hospitals do meet & greets. Both birthing centers threw an hour long (free) appointment at me, encouraging me to get a feel for the place first, and even suggesting a couple of hospital-attending CNM’s if their facilities end up not being a good fit for Jason and I. I REALLY want to try to be impartial, particularly as I know Jason has a preference for a hospital (and we have a tour set up for the first of three hospitals we’re going to check out), but the service levels and approaches are making it hard to remain free of too much bias.

The thing is – I’m a female. No matter what else I’ve done in my life, my body was bred for this purpose – to grow and birth another person. It’s what the human race does; we fuck, we birth. I am not in some sort of precarious medical condition that needs to be mitigated every step of the way. This is the job my body was supposed to do, and while I may need support and observation going through the process, I do not need to be managed. I’m not sick – I’m just pregnant.